We were just there,
And I forgot about what I do-
I knew to Shut Up,
And I knew to stop it,
But you kept your cover,
And you tried to hide yourself-
But I still knew that it's my fault-
And I only want to find these words,
To tell you that It's not alright-
But you secretly cry,
And I secretly know-
And I know it's my Fault,
So I keep up my lies/
I return home-
I seeyour face in the rear view mirror;
Your smile fades into a silent cry-
And as I silenty scream in my head,
All I can do is sit and keep up my lie,
And I secretly don't know what to do,
But I know that I'm just a burden,
And I know that you don't know what to do-
But I am your only support,
Even though I have noone to support me-
I try to smile through the tears that you never see-
But it's always eating inside of me-
And I know I'm useless,
I only seem to make you sad-
But I know if I cry,
Then you loose all hope inside,
And if I stay here,
Trying to help-
I hear you in the next room,
And I fear that you will come in here,
And ask me what I'm doing,
Or what I'm looking at,
Or what I'm tyoing-
But if I show you,
I will only make you cry more-
So I take whatever suspicions you may have,
But at least I know that I'm not making it worse-
Maybe I am/
I don't know what to do,
Or what to say,
Or what I think,
Or what this is-
And everytime I need to cry-
I can't let you see,
Because I know that,
Even though you don't tell me-
You will lose more faith in me-
And my hand burns in pain,
And my mind screams in hurt,
But I can't stop,
Not for pain,
Because whom else do you have but me-
To help you,
To save you,
To protect you-
I don't know,
And I'm not sure what's going on,
But each time I think you cry,
And I see the light go out in your eyes,
And your faith in me dissolves-
I remind myself that I cannot stop-
Even if I'm writhing in Pain-
Because I have to protect,
Even if I can't protect myself-
And I must save,
Even if nobody will save me.
I don't know, and I can't seem to see.
Maybe if I tried harder, I could still breathe...
But then again, I'm just trying to express myself,
But I just wind up messed up.
I try to sing, But you all mock me.
Afraid to stand, I hide away.
And I miss so many things....
But at least I can still say I fought...
I am lost, And you don't miss me.
I can't sing, and you can't Hear Me.
Surrounded by so many things,
And I still can't find words enough to tell you all to listen to yourselves,
And I want to stand again,
I want to be allowed to breathe-
But no matter what,
I seem to be missing....
Sombody knows me, but They don't want to tell me...
I can't stop,
And I can't sleep.
I miss you all,
But do you miss me?
Stuck inside this crappy dream-
Typing to nobody-
Waiting for someone to save me-
But can I not be found?
I wonder if things will be better,
Or if everything will fail.
I'm afraid to even sing-
And my words rot away,
My voice rots away,
And did you ever hear me sing?
I'm still lost,
And I'm still here.
I wish I coul just run away-
But when you can't move,
And you can't ask-
Can you stand up to me?
So afraid of the next day-
I hate myself for being so scared.
But I've been taught,
And I've been beaten-
I fear you all,
I fear the next day,
And with every second that passes by,
I fear that it will all fade away,
And that what's left of me can't take the stress,
But even then,
I guess that's for the best,
Because even if I tried to run,
My words would break,
And I'm afraid to fall.
I'm tired, but I can't sleep.
I want to sing, but nobody wants to hear me.
I'm terrified beyond belif, but nobody will hear me.
I'm in hell, but nobody notices.
I'm sick, but I have to hold it all in.
I'm afraid, but nobody wants to listen to me.
I'm angry and sad, but all I have is music.
I search for words, but I can't find any.
And people wonder why I wish I would die?
Check this out!
Buahahahaha! That's awesome. :D
I've been working in a cold office building all summer. I've been faxing, typing up FedEx labels, fixing computers, printing flyers, assisting everyone, even awnsering the phones and checking the mail. And you know what? I don't get paid, I don't get school credits, and I don't get anything in return. That isn't fair! And do you know why I don't get school credits? Because my birthday is in October. I'm in 9th grade, I do just as much-if not more-work than everyone else, but I don't get any credit, because I'm 13, because I was born in October. All my freinds get paid, and they get credit. Everyone but me, and I work harder than them! I deal with more stupid people than they do! I have to work twice as hard as they do, and I don't even get credit. I hate this, and I don't even get paid, or credited, or even thanked. No, I'm forced to work here for free, and against my will. All because I was born in October. Just because I'm in 9th grade, and my Birthday is in October. And I work so much harder than them. And you know what? I bet nobody's reading this. I haven't had one comment from anyone, ever, on this journal, ever. Because I'm so stupid, people don't even stop to tell me how much I suck. I'm just assumed to be some stupid, "rich", ESE, honor's student, teacher's pet. I'm just a stupid, poor, useless peice of shit. That's all. And I don't even get credit for forcing myself to get up in the morning. Guess what? On Monday, and every day after that, I have to wake up at 5:00 AM, and go to bed and 1:00AM, every day, plus tutoring, plus dance, plus performances, plus studying, plus extras, plus work, plus projects, plus sleep. I'm probably going to die from exaustion.
Bad: -The right side of my mouth hurts.
-I'm cold as hell.
-I have to go to Dance Class tonight.
-I think I'm getting sick.
-School starts monday.
-I have gaping holes in my mouth.
-Nobody Gets it.
-I can't get a new game, because school starts soon anyways, and I can't get one, because my mom thinks that just owning a game means that I'll play it non stop instead of doing all the extra work she's forcing on me.
-I have to deal with my 87-yr-old Schizophrinic Grandma over the one 3 day weekend I'll have in a while. She hates me. This does not make it better, people.
-My mom expects too much.
-My mom refuses to admit to herself that she's expecting too much from me.
-This fucking sucks.
Good: -I found $20 in the mail today. But, I can't spend it, because my mom doesn't want to waste time I could be using to get ready to study. Fuck.
-I got a new FMA dvd, but I can't watch it again, because my mom is still forcing me to do and prepare for useless, unneccesary work. Fuck.
Schools starts monday. Guess what? My glasses fucking broke, I can't see anything, I feel like I'm gonna barf, I have a headache, my Uniforms haven't come in yet, My mom really needs to up her dose of Lithium, and I have absolutely no fucking idea what's going on. Oh, yeah, plus I'm getting 4 teeth pulled today. To be fair, I've had around 6 teeth pulled before. (My teeth don't fall out, so I have to get them pulled.) It's kinda cool, because even with the baby teeth, they ahd to use pliers/plyers(sp) to pull them out, plus 2 other dentists, a tool box, and novacaine. Pain afterwards is like sticking your brain in a meat grinder, and that, plus the headache from trying to focus without glasses, plus the stress of going to a new Acadamy that your parents forced you into against your will, plus the stress from your parents/parent to harass you non-stop about how much homework you will have and how hard it will be and getting yelled at about homework and being forced into daily extensive tutoring after all classes, plus having overbearing teachers expecting you to be the genius child due to previous teacher's claims and notes and proof that I'm smart, when really, I'm not. So, I'm basically fucked, stressed, pissed off, misunderstood, sick, helpless, and confused at the same time. And DO NOT give me that bullshit about not having that much stress and not having expectations that high, because I do, because I'm in ESE and Honor's classes. In other words, I can read above college level, but I can't add, I can't focus, I can't go past 3rd grade math, my grades suck, and I already have unreal stress from my mom's dance teacher, because my mom boasts about me and makes everyone expect too much from me, so even though I'm already pushing myself to the point where I feel ill all the time due to lack of sleep, stress, being overworked, or many other things. No, I have to work even harder to live up to impossible expectations. And it doesn't help that everyone loves rubbing it in my face and reminding me that I have to be perfect, and that if I fuck up, then everyone's opinion of me will become non-existant, and that my teachers will lose respect for me, and that my mom will rag on me and rag on my untill I vomit blood from the stress, which I do and have done unwillingly before, because I fucked it up. No, this isn't enough. My health is shit, my life is shit, my school work is shit, and my home life is shit. No, I have to have additional stress added to my list. FUCK. Why can't my mom just shut the fuck up and stop telling people that I'm a supposed "genius"? I don't need any higher expectations. I'm already defunct and sick enough. I have to force myself to do all of this, because since I was in Television Produiction, my mom thinks that I can read scripts perfectly All the time. I have to do all this, because people think that because my Acadamy is Performing Arts that I can sing perfectly, that I can act perfectly, that I'm not afraid. But, guess what? You know the way my body handles stress? It either eats itself, which does not feel pleasant, or I unwillingly vomit up blood. Blood, people. Not stomach contents. Blood. Well, sometimes stomach contents can come up too, but it's usually just blood. And you know what? I can't tell anyone, because my mom will just add more stress trying to help. She'll just add more and more, untill one day, I vomit up an internal organ or something. Fuckers. Plus, for PE, I found out that my resting heart rate per minuet is 80 beats per 60 seconds. That's around 20 beats too high for somebody my age. Great. Plus, I have hyper tention in my eyes, and not having glasses is not making it better. My life sucks, and I can't even cut myself, so my body is cutting itself for me. Well, I don't know about you, but self-inflicted outer injurys that can heal are better than ones internal and caused by stress that can potentially kill me. So, fuck this. And, now that I actually have a functioning Game Boy and Naruto game, I can't play it, because I can't see the fucking screen. So, not only does my life suck, but I have no way of fixing it, untill I eventually can't force the blood vomit back down my throat and I barf in front of someone. So far, that hasn't happened. But, stress can kill me, and it's been doing so for the majority of 13 years, and the blood vomit's been happening for 4 years. God, I hate life. Is it bad that when I went back and read this, the blood vomit part reminds me of Izumi? Probably.
.....Whoah. I'm looking up Farscape Transcripts, right? I'm just sitting at work, hanging out, trying not to let my butt fall asleep. And the phone rings, my mom awnsers, nothing too special about that. I ignore it. I hear her gasp somewhat loudly, but that doesn't really alarm me-She's known for over eggagerating(sp). After she hangs up, she looks dazed, so I ask...Well, it went like this:
Me: What was that about?
Mommy: That was the lawyer.
Me: Good news? Bad news? Anything new?
Mommy: Well, he had a heart attack.
Me: Whoah. It doesn't suprise me at all, I'm not taking this badly. Actually, it's kinda feeling good. Actually, it feels fucking great, but that would sound bad, but yeah. Huh.
So, yeah, that's it. And now, I'm going home for luch for a second. I'll write more later. Seriously, this is a great development. Cool.
I hate him just as much as Ed hates Hohenheim.
And now my mom thinks that I care. God damnit, I'm not phased by this. I guess she thinks I should be, but I hate being taken as a weak person. Medical Aid is my feild of work, so Heart Attacks aren't new. And he's 58, on drugs, only eats junk food, and has the shittyest health I've ever seen, plus Diverticulitus(sp). So, It had to happen eventually. Not suprising. Plus, I hate him with every cell of my existance. It's actually pissing me off that she thinks I'd care. I bet that you think I should care, too. I don't. Honestly, I'm not hiding anything. I hate him, and I hate this, because everyone thinks that I still feel compassion towards him. I never felt it to fucking begin with! And she just walked over and said "You okay? I'm glad we're seeing the Therapist tonight." Motherfucker. Bitch! How can she even feel sympathy at all! And now, you're thinking that I'm lying, or that I'm horrible for not caring, or that I'm just hiding what I really think. Guess fucking what? THIS IS WHAT I REALLY THINK! I HATE HIM! And I hate anyone who thinks I still care. Fucking bastard. He's exactly like Hohenheim. My icon should tell you enough, really.
Well. Today, I was Diagnosed with
Ring Worm. Huh. Well, I had it Once in 3rd Grade or something, too. Hm. Well, Tommorow is Divorce Cout, Episode 3: Custody Wars. Damn. I wish my Mommay Good Luck on her Quest to
Well, yeah. :D I got a